Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
