mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
