i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize