Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
