just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
