Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
