Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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