Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
