My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
