In the future we'll all be gay
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
