I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
