Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
