I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
