i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
