I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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