I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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