You just made me feel so damn special
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
