listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
