ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I touched a dick in church today
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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