I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
