Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Randomize
