I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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