I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize