Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
