I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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