Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
