Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
