Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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