Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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