Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
