I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
