Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
