Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
