Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
