I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
