Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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