wrigley field is MILF paradise
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
