I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
