who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
