He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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