You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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