The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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