I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
