my phone needs a breathalizer
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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