God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize