Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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