I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
