i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
