I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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