my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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