Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
