am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
