does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize