the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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