I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
