I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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