Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
