U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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