Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
