hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
