At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
