I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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