Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
