I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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